I'm a little ashamed of what happened today. It occurred when I went to the grocery store with the kids. This is an activity I generally dread, because being able to clearly and quickly focus on what I need to buy when the kids are there is a little bit like trying to run in my dreams. The process is slow and frustrating, and I don't seem to get anywhere. Actually, the kids did pretty well in the store today, they went off on their own and kept themselves busy. I thought I might actually escape gracefully from this shopping adventure, until we got to the cash...
I was packing the food in the bags as quickly as I could, then I noticed the long line of people waiting behind me. The food was piling up, and my kids were just standing there, idly staring into space. Usually, they have no problem helping out with the packing, they might just need a reminder -which came out in a frustrated, impatient, angry tone today.
Our circumstances today were really no different than any other shopping day, except for the presence of a volcano I felt suddenly erupting in my core! As I heard my reprimanding tone of voice, I was actually taken aback and a little surprised by how quickly I had lost my cool. I literally felt a wave of heat rush through me, as the anger bubbled to the surface. I immediately thought to myself "Ok, I've got some serious negativity to deal with here..." Then I took a deep breath.
I am thankful for this new, growing awareness that allows me to separate the actual event (the kids not spontaneously helping out) from my own personal baggage that is at the root of my strong reaction today. Regardless of how the kids acted, it didn't justify my anger in that moment. The anger was real and needed to be validated, but I now know better than to simply point the finger at the kids and say "they made me become this angry." No they didn't. They were simply the trigger that caused my already present (but repressed) anger to surface. I could have just as easily communicated what I wanted without getting overwhelmed about it, but I blew up instead, because I didn't pay attention to the anger I was already carrying. If I had been more in touch with that growing negativity, I could have found a more appropriate way to express it (such as writing, exercising, meditating...etc). Oh well, lesson learned.
We left the store and I explained to the kids that there were two things to address. The first one was the issue of helping out. We calmly discussed expectations for next time. The second thing was mommy's anger. I apologized and told them I got carried away because I didn't realize that I had allowed a little volcano to grow inside of me! I told them how much that experience had opened my eyes, because the anger instinctively wanted me to point the finger "out there", when in fact, the source of it was "in here" within me.
The truth is, things/people/situations that trigger us and make us react the most are our greatest teachers. We have to pay close attention, because our strong reaction is an alarm bell that says "you're trying to protect yourself from a wound, from a disowned part of yourself that is too painful, too humiliating to look at right now". We are often blinded and incapable of seeing the wounds within ourselves, so instead, we unconsciously project our resistance to our weaknesses onto others.
At lunch time, the kids and I had interesting conversations about the "Shadow", which I'll save for another post. Thanks for reading, I'm thankful that you're here.
PS. Look at what 10+ years of raising kids has done to me. This is my "before" picture. Above is the "after" picture. Lol.
Warmly,
Lise
Health Coach / Reiki Master
www.lisevilleneuve.com
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