Feels Like Pretending
But to be perfectly honest, I feel the need to express something. This journey of awakening has transformed life from the inside out, and I find that my relation to "other", any other, has shifted tremendously. Now that I have found the clarity to describe my perspective in words, I'd like to share it because I know that I am not alone. However, I have often felt like I was on a very lonely road. I was unable to fully comprehend what was happening and I didn't quite understand how that affected my interactions with others. But now I see that I was simply caught in a little dance. I was being pulled from one side to the other, spinning between the perspectives of duality and oneness. Sometimes I still feel like I have to pretend, or play along to something that is complete fabrication. I want to talk about that.
But before we can go any further, we have to go back to the essential question. What am I ? This simple question has completely transformed how I live each day. As I have slowly been letting go of deriving a sense of identity from my mind, body, emotions or perceptions, as I have been continuously and painfully surrendering false ideas of separation, individuality and control... the world has changed. It seemed foolish and terrifying to even want to go there at first - to "lose everything" that I spent a lifetime building and polishing. But now that these superficial structures are crumbling, I can feel the wind in my hair, the sun kissing my skin, and it feels like my true home. It feels like peace. It tastes like freedom.
I would never go back to living in that hypnotic trance that convinced me that I was something other than pure awareness. This truth that I have come to know is so simple, yet so easily forgotten. Our human conditioning is so very strong, so entrenched. The world is not there to support our awakening, to encourage us to melt into the oneness of existence. On the contrary, everything reinforces the idea of personhood and individuality. I say bullshit, because life - surrendered to the Divine - has never tasted sweeter. No need to even mix religion into this. Religion is of the mind. God doesn't need religion to exist. We don't need the mind to FEEL, to KNOW what we truly are in this very moment. We have always felt it. We are life itself, unpolluted by the misperceptions of the ego. It is powerful, pulsating and filled with love.
Yet, how we cling to this illusion that we are the "doer of actions." We cling out of fear, but once we let go, once we trust the deep wisdom that is essentially what we all are under our layers of constructs, life takes care of us. No (restless) mind, no problem. Miracles everywhere. No more "me" and "you", only blooming love. Simple.
Just a Play?
Still, everyday is like a dance, as I get pulled between duality and oneness. I forget, then I remember again and my heart fills with joy and peace. Being with the ones I love brings me back to the familiar conditioning -duality and personhood. In this perspective, I feel like I have to play along, to almost pretend, in order to relate to others in a compassionate and socially appropriate manner. Honestly, I often sense that there isn't much to converse about. The past and the future are not alive in this moment. I have no strong opinions or beliefs, I let things be as they are, and I'm not here to convince anyone of anything, because we each have our own path that will eventually lead us to that freedom that is already within. I'm quite comfortable with silence, and I don't mind listening deeply -although I do it with my entire being, not just the mind, and I won't always say what people want to hear. Sometimes it's best to say nothing at all. I don't need to be entertained or distracted, I am quite content in solitude.
Boring, Boring, Boring...
So I guess that makes me pretty boring in the eyes of many, but that's OK. I'm not as invested in the changing forms of this world as I once was. I see people as what they truly are -pure love and unlimited consciousness. Sometimes, that makes it hard for me to buy into the little stories our minds cling to. Still, I am deeply respectful and grateful for all the wonderful people in my life - whether their acceptance is present or not.
It feels good to be able to freely express my genuine perspective, as I slowly and gracefully learn to shift from a life of duality to one of unity. I know that as these roots grow deeper and deeper into my being, eventually there will be no more dance, no more gear changes from one perspective to the other. There will only be stillness. Thanks for reading.
Much love to you,
Lise
www.lisevilleneuve.com
Perhaps one of the most coherent and clear affirmations of what it means to be you, Lise. I understand deeply what you've just expressed so eloquently. We attach to and hold on to so many labels, titles, ownership of beliefs, expectations...
ReplyDeleteWHAT am I? Such an interesting question. What if I dropped the superlative labels, the social, cultural memberships to which I have adhered over the last couple of decades... and if they came crumbling down, would that be so wrong?
In giving ourselves permission to simply be, we accept, we forgive, we let go, and we might find we belong to everything. Thanks for this. You inspire me to live without pretense.
Merci Yvon. I am very pleased to hear that what I was attempting to communicate has been understood, especially by someone as close as you. It's challenging to explain these shifts in perspective that have been ongoing, especially in person. And most of the time, who cares, right? We're usually just having fun in the moment. It was our little outing the other day that inspired this deeper understanding. If I can drag you along with me on this crazy ride and you are willing, you know that I will! Life is more fun when we're surrounded with people who get where we're coming from. I know you're one of those rare ones! Love you.
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