I peeked out of Théo's window last night around 9 pm and saw this man looking into our fence with a flashlight. He was standing on the side of our property, where the kids' gardens are. That's also where I displayed my hand-made wooden signs (one says "Deep Breath" and the others are colourful mandalas with the words gratitude, joy, love and harmony). It was hard for me to see exactly what he was doing. He had a cigarette in one hand and seemed to be trying to read the words on the signs from very close, as though he was partially blind. Then it looked like he spit in Théo's garden. I felt a sudden rush of adrenaline and became very defensive. Should I call the police?
Then someone walked by, and he spontaneously took off on his bike. Relieved, I went outside to investigate. I looked down the back alley, and there he was, looking through some trash. "Well that confirms it," I thought to myself. "This man is probably homeless and up to no good." I was quick to judge, because a few times now, we have had intruders come onto our property and steal things -such as Emma's bike that was parked in our garage. The man on the bike didn't see me, and I rushed back in the house to grab my camera -in case I needed to give the police a description. I looked out the window, and there he was, next to the gardens again! After getting a few pictures, I yelled out from the window "that's private property", then he quickly took off. Again, I went outside to check things out. When I opened the gate, I found two heavy-looking plastic bags filled with something. As I looked inside, my heart completely melted...
The bags were filled with crab-apples! Okay, so they were not the nicest apples -they were pretty bruised and many were rotting- but suddenly, I saw this man in a whole new light. I was so quick to judge him, but maybe I was completely wrong. Why did he leave those apples there? Did he find them in the garbage and sincerely thought that the kids might appreciate them? Was he going to come back for them later? Was a homeless person gifting us with what could be a treasure to him? Maybe I'll never know, but it doesn't matter.
This man has reminded me to keep an open mind and an open heart, and to not judge a person or a situation so quickly -regardless of what may have happened in similar circumstances in the past. It's alright to be vigilant and discerning, but in this particular circumstance, I let my past fears and anxieties of having intruders on our property taint my present perceptions and judgements. Often we believe that if we close down our hearts, if we are defensive by default, we won't get hurt again. All that does is it keeps our hurt feelings, our fears and our past alive and trapped inside us. It requires so much energy to keep our walls up, and in the end, our heavy armour just creates more suffering. To be truly free is to be able to let the world break our heart a million times; to heal; to forgive; and to love again without hesitation. Eventually, the heart will become unbreakable.
Are there people or situations in your life that are particularly difficult to forgive? Can you notice the weight of the psychological armour you have been carrying in regards to this? How does it manifest in your body? In your overall energy? What do you think it would feel like if you could throw away this armour forever?
Wishing you a fabulous August!
Lise Villeneuve
