Help! What Is Happening To Me? (Part 1)

As usual, my blog posts are inspired by real events that I recently experience. I like to write about topics that are personally challenging and allow expansion, evolution and  growing awareness. This time, the subject is on negativity, and it took me a couple of days to get my thoughts together, because I was confused as hell. Here's what happened...

I was feeling good and everything was fine in my life until BAM! It felt like this dark, heavy cloud of negativity hung over me for almost a week. I'm not talking about PMS here! It was so intense and overwhelming, and I had no clue what the cause was. For example, I was shovelling the snow outside (an activity I generally enjoy because of the fresh air and exercise), and my thoughts were angry, obsessive-compulsive and irrational. I can't even tell you exactly what I was thinking about, it was so random, but the overall theme was intense resistance. As I was trying to find some awareness amid the storm, it occurred to me that my thoughts were trying to put the blame on "this or that" as a source of the dark mood, but none of it made sense. Ironically, I coach people and help them turn negative states into positive affirmations, so I was trying hard to will my way out of this one, but I failed miserably. What I noticed was that part of me didn't want to let go of the negativity! Hanging on to that mood was somehow giving me a sense of pleasure! How weird is that?

As my thoughts continued to downward spiral, I felt my body convert all these negative messages into negative emotions. Now I was feeling irritation, impatience, resentment, anger...and guilt, for feeling this way! The worst part was that I had no idea WHY all this was going on! Perhaps because I know that nothing outside of us is ever really responsible for our pain, and I'm aware that the little "stories" we like to make up about why we feel the way we do are often superficial. What I did know was that this angst was coming from a deep, unconscious place.

What was I to do? As much as I was trying to hide it, my mood was still affecting my sensitive kids. Rob was away (lucky him). I thought of blaming it all on him, but that wasn't satisfying enough ;) I was able to witness just how contagious this toxic energy was.

Well, I finally figured it out, (thank god), and I feel like myself again.What I discovered really opened my eyes...

Stay tuned for part II of this story coming soon!

Warmly,

Lise
www.lisevilleneuve.com