I'm not talking about a past life in a different body from this one, I'm simply referring to my past as a singer-songwriter and touring artist...and let me tell you, it does feel like it was in another lifetime! As exhilarating as it was, I would NOT go back to that lifestyle as I feel much more balanced and content now. Have a look at the video above, you'll see what that looked like. Why am I even writing about this topic, you may ask?
Well, yesterday, we helped my parents move some junk out of their basement. There was a large box of my old stuff, and in it, I found a thick file of emails my dad had printed and kept. They were all emails I had sent him during my "I'm-trying-to-make-it-in-the-music-business" years. Wow. I can't believe how much clarity I gained from reading those old messages! It almost felt like putting a puzzle together. I told Rob, as I was reading one letter after the other, that it felt as though I was reading someone else's life, not mine!
I almost felt nauseous, as my body was flashed back to some of the predominant emotions I felt back then: insecurity, anxiety, confusion, powerlessness. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad. My life was like a giant, exciting adventure that brought me all over the globe, but when you're on a roller-coaster ride, you have to expect extreme highs and extreme lows. I was fully embracing the polarities of life, completely unaware that my ego was in the driver's seat!
What I found the most difficult - but probably didn't have the hindsight to realize back then, was that my success depended on everyone else's approval : the record producers, the tour organizers, the radio stations, the judges at the music competitions, the people who approved the grants, even the public who listened to my music! Talent, discipline and determination were just not enough for me to keep moving forward. I had to scramble from job to job, never knowing what was coming up in the next few months.
I considered myself to have been one of the lucky ones, too, since I won some competitions, had a unique opportunity to do a solo tour in 8 countries, worked on cruise ships and received funding to produce my CD and music video. Despite the exhilarating ride, what started out as a love and passion for music turned into pressure and high expectations of perfection from myself and everyone. What I really wanted was to feel loved, appreciated, special and validated -just like everyone, right? However, it took me awhile to realize that I would never find those things through a career, no matter how successful I'd get.
When I came back home to Montreal after my whirlwind world tour, things fell apart. At least, that's what it looked like on the surface, but now I realize it was the beginning of true sanity. Nothing made sense to me any more, I was pregnant and I went through this deep, dark depression. It was sort of like a "dark night of the soul". I thought I'd never snap out of it, but I did after a few months, and it was the beginning of my gradual awakening. For the first time ever, I discovered what the ego was, and I understood how it had been a major driving force in my life. Although part of me had been seeking truth through writing and songs, the lifestyle I had been living didn't make sense to me any more. Seeking happiness externally was futile.
I am so thankful to now have this clarity! I am much more aware of the many superficial, yet alluring ego traps society offers us. I know there is nothing wrong with pursuing projects, goals and ambitions, as long as we don't expect to find fulfilment through these secondary roads. I now know that the Express Way to lasting happiness, peace, joy, harmony and love is Consciousness. It will drive you right back to your heart and spirit.
Warmly,
Lise
Health Coach and Reiki Master
www.lisevilleneuve.com
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