Once upon a time, not so long ago, this horrible, sudden, unexplainable mood fell over me. All I knew for sure was that this negativity was coming from a deep, dark, unconscious place. I desperately wanted to understand it, rise above it and feel "normal" again. So, I combined the knowledge and information that I had about resistance, negative thoughts, negative emotions, the ego and the pain-body (Eckhart Tolle) to make sense of it all. This is what I came up with...
Essentially, I was unsuspectingly abducted by my hungry pain-body. Lol. What that means is that all the negative, painful emotions that I suppressed or denied since childhood decided to pay me a little visit. The purpose of the visit was to "feed itself" off my negativity, by hijacking my brain and making it produce more compulsive, negative thoughts. You don't believe me? Just ask Eckhart Tolle! The pain-body is essentially created by a false sense of self (the ego). It has to "feed" every so often to sustain itself. This energy field of residual pain has triggers from the past that wake it from its dormant stage. It then becomes a highly charged and reactive seeker of unhappiness. It's almost like a psychic parasite that makes its host believe they are the ones needing the negativity and the drama. Sounds like sci-fi, doesn't it?
The reason why hanging on to my dark mood felt somehow pleasurable now makes sense. The negativity was misperceived by my ego as pleasure, because it was actually strengthening itself in the process. When we complain, resist, blame and resent, we reinforce the illusion of separation, of "the other", and we defend and justify our "rightness". For some reason, we believe that our negativity will somehow help us get what we want faster. Actually, it will do the exact opposite, it will give us more of what we don't want! Why? Because we get what we focus on, period.
So no wonder I had trouble identifying the exact source of this malaise that seemed to come out of the blue. I had long forgotten about the pain-body! I was relieved to read the following:
"When you feel the pain-body, don't fall into the error of thinking there is something wrong with you. Making yourself into a problem -the ego loves that. The knowing needs to be followed by accepting. Anything else will obscure it again. Accepting means you allow yourself to fell whatever it is you are feeling at that moment. It is part of the is-ness of the Now. You can't argue with what is. Well, you can, but if you do, you suffer." -Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth
I guess this time I was not present enough to notice the pain-body's coup d'état. Darn it. I've gotten pretty good at tuning in to my body to detect the presence of negative thoughts and emotions, and I'm fully aware of the ego's tactics (holding everyone and everything else responsible for my own pain). The next step I hope to master is the disidentification from my thoughts, emotions and reactions. In other words, can I learn to be the awareness, the conscious presence that simply witnesses the thoughts, emotions and reactions without deriving my sense of self from them? Until then, I will continue to practice positive thinking!
Can you think of a time when your pain-body suddenly became active and fed on the negativity and drama in your life?
Warmly,
Lise
www.lisevilleneuve.com
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