I explained to them that our thoughts create our emotions, so generally, when we start to feel bad, we can ask ourselves what thoughts may have created these negative emotions. Of course, the majority of our thoughts are involuntary and unconscious, which makes this exercise challenging at times. In my case, my dark mood just seemed to come out of nowhere, and being in that negative state of mind almost felt addictive and pleasurable. Emma said "Yes, I feel that way too sometimes when I'm in a bad mood. I kind of like it and I don't want to stop it." I then added "You're right, and I think I figured out why negativity, complaining and resistance have this addictive, pleasurable quality to them, which make them feel almost normal and beneficial to us." Why, mom?
Because they strengthen our ego. It's a tricky thing to explain the ego to children, but I basically told them that the ego is not the "real you". The real you is your spirit, and the ego includes your thoughts, your emotions, your physical body, your reactions and your opinions. I said "you see this cup? You can look at it, touch it, smell it, right? You are observing the cup, but you are not the cup." It's kind of the same thing with your thoughts, emotions and reactions. You can observe them, feel them, acknowledge them, but they are not the real you. The ego wants to make you believe that the real you IS those things, but that's an illusion! The real you is the awareness behind these things that are "happening" in your life, in your body, in your mind.
Why does the ego trick us like this? Because it's basically a big scaredy-cat! It's afraid of not being important enough, it's afraid of being alone. The ego believes it's separate from everything, but your true self knows that it's connected to everyone and everything. So, when we are negative, when we complain, it feels good to our ego because we tell it how "right" it is and how separate we are from everyone / everything else. In reality, we've just been punked by our ego!
Where am I going with this? Well, keeping our negative thoughts in check and focusing on positive ones instead is certainly a step in the right direction, but this still feeds our ego! Why? Because we are still identified with our thoughts! We are still deriving our sense of identity from our mind, instead of being the witness of our thoughts. And? We'll, that's fine, but it will inevitably create suffering for us. For as long as we identify with our ego (i.e, we take things very personally as opposed to witnessing them from a higher, more neutral perspective), we will keep feeding that inner-field of energy that holds all our suppressed pain and negative emotions. Yup, I'm talking about the "pain-body."
No matter how positive you are, if your sense of self is ego-based, your pain-body will eventually wake up from its dormant stage and feed on the negativity your ego craves! The pain-body is like a hungry monster hiding inside each one of us. Once he comes out, he can be very hard to control. He makes us feel angry, he makes us say and do things we regret sometimes, he makes us believe we "are" it. But we know better now, don't we? We are not our thoughts, our emotions and our reactions, we are the witness behind these. All we can do when the monster comes is to be as present as possible and let the emotions pass without fuelling them with more negative thoughts. Emma said this sounded "really freaky". She's right!
And now for the more entertaining part of this story. This morning, Theo (5) came into my room and started to get angry about something he wanted immediately. I told him he was going to have to be a little more patient, then he started threatening to hit me, he started taking some of my things and even shouted. Before I even said a word, he paused, looking reflexive. I said "what?". He replied "you remember what we talked about yesterday at lunch?" Yes, I said. He continued with "you are waking up my pain-body!" I was amazed! I congratulated him for noticing that. "You felt it in your body, didn't you, and you noticed it! Good for you!" And just like that, the mood stopped! I have to say, my ego felt validated!
However, about 20 minutes later, the monster came back...with a vengeance! Theo was now yelling, kicking, he was furious because his sister accepted to do the job he had refused. I know that it's during these times that we especially need to be present with our kids. Putting them in a time-out is like saying "shut up, what you are feeling is not important, your tantrum is inconvenient for me right now." Instead, it's our job to help them navigate their feelings and to show them appropriate ways to express their overwhelming emotions. The truth is, all emotions are acceptable, they are a part of being human, and when they are not allowed to be expressed, they remain in the body and eventually create neurosis and illness.
Theo is very aware that hitting is not acceptable. He knows the immediate consequence for hitting (he loses money from his earnings jar), and when he does, I simply say "you know hitting is not acceptable" and I take the money away without getting emotional, angry or reactive. I try to remain as present as possible. As long as he is not doing something inappropriate or harmful, I let him express his anger, and I try to validate his point of view. "When Emma decided to do the job you refused to do, that made you very angry, didn't it?" This usually helps to calm him down. I also remind him that it's ok to feel the way he does, and that soon, he will feel better. I tell him that I love him and that I want to help him feel good again. The rest is all about being fully present, non-reactive and patient. I remind myself not to take this tantrum personally. Theo calmed down, came and sat on me, I gave him some cuddles, and the storm was over. The pain-body expressed itself and then went back into its dormant stage once again. Thank you, Life, for giving us these intense "Pain-Body 101" lessons! Until the next time!
Warmly,
Lise
www.lisevilleneuve.com
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