Part 2: Helping our loved ones through an emotional storm
Part 3: Practical tools and techniques to deal with negative emotions at
home, at work and in the classroom.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part Two:
Helping Our Loved Ones Through an Emotional Storm
In Part 1 of this article, we reviewed the following five points:
1) All our emotions are valid, acceptable and
important, especially the negative ones!
2) To instantly have a good idea of where you are on the scale of
emotions, simply notice how you are feeling in your body.
3) Everyone can learn to move themselves up the scale of emotions by
choosing better-feeling thoughts or actions, or by releasing pent-up emotions.
4) Don’t try to escape or ignore negative emotions, even if they are often
inconvenient and uncomfortable. They are sending you an important message. Make
the appropriate changes and move on.
5) Don’t get sucked in. Negativity is highly addictive and contagious, so
don’t dwell there too long. Be aware of the secret pleasurable payoff our egos
get from negativity.
It's Not What You Think!
Understanding and practising these five essential
points about emotions will already bring us a huge sense of empowerment and
well-being. It's important to educate ourselves - and especially our children
about emotional literacy, because many would-be emotional outbursts can be
prevented simply by applying these five life-changing principles. As radical as
this might sound to many, we have much more control over the way we feel than
we might think. Emotional resilience and self-regulation are skills
that can be learned and perfected. When we have the courage to work through our
emotions consciously, the end result is invulnerability and imperturbability.
These are definitely enviable assets in such a volatile and unpredictable
world.
What can we do?
This next section is all about helping our loved ones
through their tough emotions. How can we help them prevent outbursts? What is
the true cause of an emotional crisis? When a storm hits, what can we do to
make it easier for them? What attitudes should we adopt? What is going on
internally and externally?
1. Teach
and Practice Prevention First
If we can increase our awareness of where we find
ourselves on the scale of emotions at any given moment - and we learn how to
catch ourselves when we are headed towards a negative spiral - we can adjust
our thoughts and actions accordingly and maybe even avoid a crisis. The key is
to practice this technique when we are feeling calm and centered, or when we
are not completely emotionally overwhelmed. If we get to that point of
overwhelm, then it's often too late to turn things around and avoid a crash
because the negative emotions have built up too much momentum. So when it's too
late for prevention, or when life unexpectedly hits us or our loved ones with a
major challenge, what's the best way to deal with an emotional storm?
2. Understand
the Real Cause
It’s crucial to understand the real cause behind
any emotional upset. This will probably surprise and maybe even shock a few
people. You have been warned! The ego will not like this one bit. It will
strongly resist, but try to keep an open mind. As surprising as this
may sound, the true source, or cause, of all our feelings (positive and
negative) is always internal and not external. In other words, people or
circumstances can’t make us feel anything unless those
emotions are already present inside us. This is best explained by the brilliant
psychiatrist Dr. David Hawkins, who wrote:
"The rationalizing mind prefers to keep the true causes of emotions out of
awareness and utilizes the mechanism of projection to do this. It blames events
or other people for "causing" a feeling and views itself as the
helpless innocent victim of external causes. "They made me angry."
"He got me upset." "It scared me." "World events are
the cause of my anxiety." Actually, it's the exact opposite. The
suppressed and repressed feelings seek an outlet and utilize the events as
triggers and excuses to vent themselves. We are like pressure-cookers ready to
release steam when the opportunity arises. Our triggers are set and ready to go
off. In psychiatry, this mechanism is called displacement. It is because we are
angry that events "make" us angry. If, through constant surrendering,
we have let go of the pent-up store of anger, it is very difficult and, in
fact, even impossible for anyone or any situation to "make" us angry.
The same, therefore, goes for all other negative feelings once they have been
surrendered."
What happens in the case of an emotional crisis is that a trigger (often
external) taps into a major area of suppressed or repressed (unconscious)
feelings. This can create a sense of overload to the conscious mind. Strong
emotions, accompanied by irrational behaviours sometimes follow.
3. Address the Internal
Problem First
What does this mean? It means that we have to own
our feelings. It means that we are 100% responsible for the way we feel inside,
and there is no point in blaming anyone or anything. However, this does not
mean that we have to fully agree and accept everything. We are free to speak
up, to act and to fix the problems "out there", but we will have much
greater power to do so if we fix our emotional wounds "in here"
first. We can firmly demand change without being stuck and blinded by our own
anger, rage, or hatred. Once we understand this for ourselves, we can help
our loved ones untangle their internal and external issues. Let me explain...
If our child or our friend feels intense emotional discomfort, there are likely two factors to consider, or two facets to work on simultaneously: the possible
external triggers - or problems they have to deal with (a bully, a break up,
getting fired...etc) and their internal emotional state (fear, low self-esteem,
anxiety...etc). There are really two issues going on: their internal pain, and
the trigger, or the external problem. We are conditioned to believe that the
problem has caused the internal emotional pain, but remember that it has only
aggravated it, not caused it. You might be able to work through the internal
and external issues simultaneously, but the first priority should be to
acknowledge and validate the feelings your loved one is experiencing, then allow them
to calm down. Help them verbally express what they are feeling. You can say
something like "I can see that you are feeling some________ and this must be
difficult for you. Take a minute to breathe, calm down, and then we'll talk
about it."
4. Remember,
It’s Not About You
The first question to ask ourselves when a loved
one is having an emotional outburst is "do I really want to help my child
/ student / friend, or do I want to be right and appear to be in control?"
At first, the answer might seem obvious, but beware! Strong negative emotions
are highly contagious and if you’re not anchored in awareness right from the
start, your ego might begin to take things personally and feel threatened. You
don’t want to get triggered too, because that will complicate the situation
even more. So if you really want to help, be willing to accept a bruised ego. Things
will likely get messy, so take a deep breath, stay present, and remain as
neutral and calm as possible. Remember, no matter what - despite the hurtful
words or disrespectful behaviours that may be coming your way - that in the
midst of their outburst, it's really not about you. They might be projecting
their negative feelings onto you, but it's really about them dealing with
overwhelming emotions. It's about them losing control and needing help to find
clarity again. It's about them crying for help in a desperate way, because in
that moment, they just don't know what else to do. Try to calm them down and
show them that you understand what they are feeling. Try to "be on their side”
as much as possible and help them to manage their raw, uncensored feelings.
5. Accept What Has Happened
Many times, when people act in ways we don’t
approve of, we think to ourselves something along the lines of "they
SHOULD have known better than to act this way." This kind of thinking
is not helpful or even true, because the fact is, they have already acted out.
Despite the judgements we often have about others, everyone is always trying to
do the best they can at any given moment. If they could have acted in a more appropriate
way, they would have, but they didn’t. Human behaviours and emotions are
complex, and very often, we are driven by unconscious drives. So focus on what
is right here, right now. Help your loved one get back to a place of emotional
balance, and then you can give consequences for the bad behaviours – but you
can do this without being angry. This is no time to desert, ignore or shame the
ones we love, as tempting as it might be for our egos to show them ‘who’s the
boss.’ Hopefully next time, things will be better.
6. Be a Catalyst For Healing
One of the greatest gifts you can give someone is
to help them release those heavy, suppressed negative emotions that have been a
burden for far too long. This emotional pain we all carry negatively affects
our energy, our health, our creativity and our overall well-being. The only way
to permanently release negative emotions is to face them consciously. So the next time a
crisis happens under your watch, you have a choice. You can either consider it
an inconvenience and a nuisance, telling your loved ones to “get their act
together” and push those feelings way back down again, or you can help them
heal. You can teach them how to release those feelings; you can offer them
clarity and compassion; you can guide them through the discomfort so that they
come out of the storm lighter and brighter. What an empowering act of Love!
In Part 3, I will give you practical tools and techniques to release
negative emotions at home, at work and in the classroom. In the meantime, you
will find plenty of resources on my website: www.lisevilleneuve.com
Thanks for reading!
Lise
