I received this beautifully candid letter today (below). The author intended to share it with you on this blog. He's been going through some intensely difficult times and he had the courage to openly write about his experience and perspective.
Writing is always extremely therapeutic, and it has the double benefit of creating connections -connections with people who are going through similar challenges and also connections with people who are able to offer words of support.
What's amazing is that even if we never meet, or never even become aware of each other's existence, we are still all deeply connected to each other! Each of our individual perspectives alter our collective human experience. You may not know it, but the story below has already affected you on some profound level, and your personal story is also affecting others right now. Why? Because ultimately, we are all the One Consciousness, not just our individual bodies and stories. By relating to someone else's story, by sending them a thought of compassion, by understanding their pain and acknowledging that you too, have felt these emotions, you are actually nurturing your own self-love.
I leave you now with this brave tale filled with heartbreak, despair and hope. I know that you reading this story means the beginning of a new chapter for the author. May this inspire you to reflect upon your own story and empower you to rewrite your next chapter according to your heart's desires. You hold the pen!
Warmly,
Lise
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Since I can remember, it's been a struggle. Life was never the easiest when young, one of seven but so much younger than my other siblings, an empty house cold and unwelcoming, mother caring but burnt out, father hostile, a definite mistake on the human landscape as far as he was concerned. One that I paid for without realizing that my life was different from the other kids.
Growing up was an isolated experience. I did have great difficulty integrating with other kids and spent most of my time alone, harassed, maligned and bullied by it seemed everyone. I can clearly remember being afraid for most of my childhood, when high school came along it was to get even worse! It's only 4 years or so and so much was to change?
The age of 14 onwards was a turning point. Made some friends, avoided those I feared and got on with life. Leaving home was right up there in the to do list. Sports came as a surprise to me, I began martial arts and developed to the age of 16 into another guy entirely, knew my goals, had a plan.
Found a job locally in a garage, left home, began to really work at this thing called life, three jobs and money in my pocket, still alone, a little bit scared of the female form, unable to socialize in a way that mattered, needed to work at that. I began working nightclubs, doing my day job and working on the black for extra money. Life was good but still missing love.
Then by chance I became popular, gods knows why. I met some lovely ladies and in particular met one special person. Life was definitely changing, sex was fabulous, what had I been doing all this time without it! I was hooked on sex, women and lust, what a wonderful world we live in.
From the age 21 I was married, life was good, but not for long. Within 8 years its seemed I had attached a lot of responsibility to my life which was very uncomfortable, I realized this was not for me, old married life perceptions haunted me, mortgages, debts, kids, I would be my father ! NO WAY angry annoyed and bitter. Marriage over by unanimous default, loved that girl but could not live with her a pattern for the future ! If only I knew then what I know now.
Work filled my life, some highs, some lows. I was self employed, loved the independence and no complaints. As I grew older, sports were important, work was important and relationships were what I lived for. I loved too much? gave too much and left nothing for myself. Anything to avoid being lonely and alone. I had fabulous relationships, lovely girls, some more so on the outside than the inside, found love and lost it many times.
But still I felt insecure amongst others, uncomfortable and awkward. What's wrong with me? Little did I know that one day I would write this retrospective of myself.
I moved abroad, took my darling wife with me, seeking a new life for us in the sun. Had to leave my home, depressing, stuck and dead ended in an economy that was busted, business struggling, becoming very depressed with the position I was in.
I feared the move to end my self-employed life and the cutting of my arms and legs feeling it gave me. For some years my wife had been depressed deeply at times, she affected me down to the core, no amount of money, travel or material things helped, but she wanted sun at any price. I agreed so we left and headed to the Mediterranean. I worked my butt off contracting and missed my wife, my evenings, my weekends, my life! My self-esteem withered, worked in an industry of people whom I had nothing in common, made the best of it and suffered in silence. A nervous breakdown I think it's called. I knew I was losing everything in my life but what to do? Keep working, make money and get out of this game as soon as possible. Some plan,my spouse loved her life. A little lonely she said, but she had my fabulous dog and a few new friends?
Problem was what's next? I am 50 something and did not wish to spend years away from home as a lifestyle, nervous breakdown, stress and no help from my now very happy wife. She had money, no ties, a beautiful house, fancy car and men in her life with whom she could have fun. And I — was paying for it. This job was killing me, I had no sport, just pressure and a hole in my heart. I lost 22 kilos in weight! I needed to, but that was not the reason, I was very depressed, sad and lonely.
The end of my world hit hard, in January I came home to find all this out, quit my job and sat in an empty house alone in the middle of nowhere literally.
The house was spooky, half empty after the sale my wife conducted in secret whilst I worked. She played me well, became a new woman and ran off with some guy who would continue to pay for the lifestyle she craved. I loved her, still but divorced her, forced the issue and was shocked to hear that she thought I would never do it! I miss her, but knew she had to get out of my life, my decision not hers, we were toxic to each other.
Wow, I hit the floor hard, wished to die, cried buckets and for the first time in my life took all the time in the world to think and seek answers to the question. Why was I so sad and depressed? Why was I so insecure? What next? The phone was dead, I had so many sim cards people just gave up, which country code, when available etc, no one called, no one wrote, I was screwed?
Now 6 months later I leave for a new home, in a part of Europe where people live! A house of my own, my furniture, my car, my sanctuary. It's three weeks to move day and I can't stand sitting here any longer. For the past few months I have forced myself to get out! The house is haunted or cursed, not sure which. I travelled to Columbia, Cuba, Ibiza, UK and Turkey, UK. And now I think a short break to Palma sounds great from where I am sitting.
I lost my way many years ago, became subservient to my wife, a second class citizen, was made to feel inferior, uncultured, thick, unintelligent, lost respect for myself and like when I was young I let people walk all over me, use me and abuse me. I was angry, annoyed, panicked, every emotion in the same minute was the norm.
If you've read this far, your probably thinking what's the point of all of this? What did I learn about myself? How did I recover? What words of wisdom have I got for you to cling to?
I can say that I sought a different path. I promised myself to forget about work for a while and started to read self- help articles, I got social on line and one person told me of the book she was reading titled "Mindset Mastery". I bought it and went on holiday working through the new strangeness of manifestation, positive energy and divine guidance. I became religious (not) I wanted to believe, I needed a new path, and I can say it's working.
I read and wrote and synthesised my goals, changed my beliefs and carved my own path out of this hell hole that shelters me from rain. I can say that things started to happen. I met the most wonderful people, doors opened, green lights, I even got my bag from the baggage carousel number one on the belt! Synchronicity exists in my life.
My changing moment was standing in the hotel check-in in Cuba. I met the most significant person in my life ever, and she does not ask for anything from me. She changed my life in a week, mentored my new beliefs and listened to my horrible past experiences, advised and shared some very private issues and experiences with me. I felt that the Universe had answered me! Thank you so much.
I could write books about my thoughts and feelings but to be honest, all of us if faced with my kind of dilemma need help. Don't do this alone, speak to someone, seek alternatives, take time and learn to breathe slowly, it really works. Look upwards you'll feel better when you do.
I know that for myself I wished to die, I wished to cease to exist. Could neither go outside nor speak and in the end, I took time to accept that I have to be able to sit in the dark unafraid. I had to learn to talk to the spaces and fear not, as I would be ok, no monster was coming to eat me.
After this realization, I clung to the writings of the self-help gurus, met my mentor and began to plan for change. It was slower than expected, I usually don't ponder or consider too deeply, mostly due to peer pressure, debt and perceived responsibilities to my family and not to myself.
I'm not cured, I never will be. I have a sickness called acute depression, undiagnosed, hidden from the world and my doctor. Or do I ??????
My advice is don't be like me, don't take too much responsibility, consider yourself, love yourself ,forgive yourself, like yourself.
Luck is a big part of this also... or is it? You manifest your own future, I now believe. Choosing to be in a happy state or feeling is brought about by our own beliefs and expectations. If you believe it's going to be a bad day, it usually is.
It's also true to say that I shed a lot of my problems by moving, and leaving behind old friends who, in many cases, were not good for me, some actually capitalized on my kindness.
I believe so strongly now that I can make it! I even wish to change my name and build a new future without being followed or the subject of conversations about me, better to cut the past and look forward. I know when I move that I will have to integrate socially. Will do so by different name and build my new life around places and people I love to be with.
Lastly, I need a new job. I am working up some ideas, nothing solid yet, but the shoots are growing.
Most important, my sense of purpose must be served somehow. I still love the female form and seek that special person. I have formed new relationships but know that I will not allow anyone in my future to affect me so much as my former wife did. To be in love, in lust, be happy and seek adventure sure!
Thank you L for your love and kindness, without which I would no longer exist. Forever in your debt.
S.
