Unconsciousness is at the heart of every fight, every conflict, every breakup, every war. When two people don't see eye to eye and don't treat each other with respect and compassion, it's because they are unaware of the real motivation at the root of their hurtful actions. That motivation is always the same, regardless of the person or circumstance. Anything we do, whether it's perceived by others as altruistic or evil- we ultimately do it to make ourselves feel better and to reduce our level of suffering (which is mostly unconscious). If we didn't think something would make us feel good, or better, why would we ever bother doing it? Sometimes we pick the lesser of two evils, and sometimes our choices end up hurting others as much as they hurt us, but our initial motivation is always the same.
In a conflict, the "perpetrator" is only really guilty of not realizing that he / she committed the "crime" out of pure unconsciousness -conditioned by past ways of dealing with mental, emotional or physical pain. If he or she knew any better, the crime would simply not have occurred. The hurtful action shows that there is room for growth, for more awareness within the person.
The "victim" painfully reacts to the crime that appears to have been purposely directed at him or her. Unaware of his own conditionings and unconsciousness, he now wants to retaliate, defend himself, hurt the perpetrator.Wounded, he is unable to recognize the unconsciousness in his partner that has triggered his own unconsciousness. Often, both parties equally share the roles or perpetrator and victim.
Instead of breaking the cycle of violence with compassion for each other's deep seated pain, both parties feed the growing unconsciousness with resentment, guilt, shame, anger, despair. Sometimes, children are stuck in the middle of this waking nightmare and unfortunately, they observe and learn these unconscious behaviours. It's easier (and sometimes more thrilling) to point the finger at the other person rather than to admit the truth to ourselves. The truth is that nobody is responsible for our happiness but ourselves. The truth is that we all carry wounds from our past that keep resurfacing over and over again, until we acknowledge that we have some healing to do. The reason why intimate relationships are so challenging is precisely because our partners trigger us, they push our buttons, they know where our weak spots are and it hurts like hell when they poke them. Should we isolate ourselves to avoid this pain, then? Should we look for a different partner?
Those are options, but another option is to heal our wounds once and for all, so that they won't resurface again with the next partner. What if couples started to help each other heal? What if we told each other "I'm sorry you're in pain, I am too. Should we look at what it is we're both trying to escape from? I noticed you tend to act this way when..." In other words, why not allow the relationship to be an opportunity to grow into consciousness together? Things obviously wouldn't always be perfect, but at least they would be moving in the right direction.
Very often, couples seek to "solve their problems" either by assigning blame or talking it through with a therapist (which certainly can be a great way to open the lines of communication). Still, I'm going to go ahead and say it: the real problem is our individual unconsciousness. That's right, it's not your partner's fault! The key to a harmonious relationship is found when both partners become aware that they can, and must, transcend their ego-minds. From this perspective, there can only be Love, peace, joy and deep fulfilment.
If you become fully aware of how the ego works, you'll be able to stop feeding the drama and the conflicts by holding a space of presence, compassion and forgiveness for your partner. You'll understand where she's coming from. You'll know what truly motivates him, and you'll either have the patience and desire to help him consciously understand his own destructive behaviours, or you will be able to calmly decide that you are simply incompatible and walk away without all the heartache. But before you do this, ask yourself if you are completely aware of your own wounds and triggers, because it's only a matter of time until the next person who comes along in your life will reawaken your dragon!
Romantic love is a short-lived illusion born from a false world of duality. If the ego is no longer flattered and feels threatened, love quickly turns to hate, doesn't it? For as long as our identity is derived from our needy ego, a true, loving, peaceful relationship is not possible -no matter how much counselling we get! We each have to start working on ourselves before we blame our partners. How can we possibly experience a satisfying, lasting relationship with someone unless we fully understand who we really are first?
We are not that jealous, selfish, unlovable, unfaithful, angry, controlling little me. We sometimes display these behaviours because deep down, we are afraid, we are in pain, we are confused and conditioned by our ego. Breaking free from this illusion is only possible once we allow ourselves to become conscious of our true divine nature. Isn't it time to let go of what's no longer serving us? Haven't we suffered enough?
Lovingly,
Lise
www.lisevilleneuve.com
