Top 5 Life-Changing Facts About Emotions

Why do we feel emotions? What is their purpose? Is it really possible to teach kids how to self-regulate their moods? How should we deal with the tantrums and meltdowns caused by negative emotions? How should we manage our own negative emotions that feel so uncomfortable? In this 3-part article about emotional intelligence, we will explore all these questions, and much more.

Part 1: Top 5 Life-Changing Facts About Emotions

Part 2: Helping our loved ones through an emotional storm

Part 3: Practical tools and techniques to deal with negative emotions at home, at work and in the classroom

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Part one: 

Top 5 Life-Changing Facts About Emotions

Most of us have been conditioned to love and value our positive emotions, but we avoid our negative emotions like the plague! We run away from them, we hide them from ourselves, we project them onto other people, and we even feel ashamed or guilty when these negative emotions catch up with us. Why do we do this? Nobody can feel only positive emotions all the time, so we should give ourselves a break. We’re only human, and that means we get to experience the full spectrum of emotions: positive and negative. (Below is Robert Plutchik's wheel of emotions).

As promised, here are the Top 5 Life-Changing Facts About Emotions:

1. All our emotions are valid, acceptable and important -especially the negative ones! They are not "wrong" and nobody should feel guilty or ashamed about the way they feel. Remember that our feelings and our behaviours are two different things. You can correct behaviours without shaming the feelings behind them.

2. Emotions are at the heart of our internal guidance system. Feelings create thousands of thoughts, and these thoughts then generate more feelings and emotions. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle. Our emotions are directly transferred and felt in our body. Positive emotions will make us feel good, relaxed, open, energized and inspired, whereas negative emotions will make us feel tense, constricted, closed, lethargic, sluggish and drained. So by paying attention to the way you feel in your body, (open or closed, good or bad) you’ll always know if you’re in a positive or negative emotional state. How do you feel now?

3. The emotional states we experience are not random at all. Emotions have been classified in a scale of emotions, from the lowest states to the highest. It's very difficult to make a sudden jump from the lower levels (such as depression) directly to the highest levels (such as optimism or joy), or the other way around. Our emotional states fluctuate during the day, gradually moving up or down the scale. Here’s the good news! We can change how we feel with our thoughts, our actions and our focus. To do this, we just need to reach for a better-feeling thought, or an action that will bring us joy. Try it now. Think about something that makes you smile. Breathe in that feeling. You have just moved yourself up one notch on the scale of emotions! It’s very simple. If we learn to pay attention to how we’re feeling in our body at any given moment –and we do our best to keep ourselves up in the more positive range of emotions on the scale, we won’t suddenly be ambushed by strong negative feelings. However, when the negative emotions do show up, that’s ok! They serve a very important purpose and they should not be ignored.

4. Negative emotions tell us when we're off track, or out of alignment with the wisdom of our higher-Selves. Negative emotions are like a wake-up call. They are telling us that we are now quite low on the scale of emotions and it would be wise to slowly climb back up by either changing our actions or our thoughts. It’s also possible that some old unresolved emotions have been stirred up again. If that’s the case, we can decide if we’d like to work on releasing those suppressed emotions, or if the timing is not appropriate, we can shift our focus to better-feeling thoughts or actions and come back to these at a later time.

5. Everyone experiences negative emotions sooner or later, but we don’t have to stay stuck in negativity. Beware! Negativity can be highly addictive and contagious, so you don’t want to dwell there. It’s addictive because it offers a secret, pleasurable payoff to the ego. Unchecked, it will quickly pick up momentum and generate more negativity. Remember: the purpose of negative emotions is to make us aware that we are heading in the wrong direction, or that something needs to be released if we want to move forward and feel good again. Once we have gotten the message and made the appropriate changes, we can start to move back up the scale of emotions to a better-feeling state. Sometimes –like in the case of grief, or severe depression, the healing process can take some time, so we have to be patient with ourselves. Having an attitude of surrender and acceptance of whatever feelings we are experiencing accelerates the process. If we resist our negative feelings, we can’t heal them, because we’re just trying to escape. Instead, these feelings have to be willingly released. I will be giving more details about releasing negative feelings in the following sections.

In short:

1)     All our emotions are valid, acceptable and important, especially the negative ones!

2)    To instantly have a good idea of where you are on the scale of emotions, simply notice how you are feeling in your body. Feeling good / open means you are experiencing positive emotions (#7 and up on the scale), feeling any kind of tension or resistance means you are experiencing negative emotions (#8 and down on the scale).

3)     Everyone can learn to move themselves up the scale of emotions by choosing better-feeling thoughts or actions, or by releasing pent-up emotions.

4)     Don’t try to escape or ignore negative emotions, even if they are often inconvenient and uncomfortable. They are sending you an important message. Make the appropriate changes and move on.

5)     Don’t get sucked in. Negativity is highly addictive and contagious, so don’t dwell there too long. Be aware of the secret pleasurable payoff our egos get from negativity. Nevertheless, it feels much better to be in a state of joy and peace. Anyone can get there. It just takes a little will and courage.

Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3. In part 2, we’ll discuss what you can do to help a loved one navigate through an emotional storm. Part 3 is all about practical tools and techniques to help you deal with negative emotions at home, at work or in the classroom.

In the meantime, if you’d like some extra resources to teach children about emotional intelligence (mindfulness), I’ve written a complete program called Conscious Kids / Enfants Lucides. The lessons are taught through creative short stories, followed by fun activities that can be done at home or in the classroom. 

Level 1 covers:

- The relationship between thoughts and emotions;

- How to move ourselves up the scale of emotions;

- How to deal with strong negative emotions, and more. 

Thanks for reading! Coming soon is Part 2: Helping our loved ones through an emotional storm.

Lise Villeneuve

www.lisevilleneuve.com

Teachers and Parents : Are Negative Emotions OK?

The Post-School Tantrums
I recently got flashed back to when our daughter came home from public school - when she was just nine years old. Very often, she would walk in the door, immediately run to her room, slam the door and be in a mood until supper time. Our son Théo often did the same thing when I picked him up from preschool. When he got home, he needed to vent all that stress and pent-up frustration he had accumulated during the day. It was only at home that he finally felt comfortable enough to let it out -thankfully. Did you ever experience this with your kids?

Model Students?
I realise now that our kids simply didn't know how to deal with their (socially unacceptable) negative emotions when these came up at school or preschool, so they did the only thing they could to not disrupt the class : they ignored the emotions, repressed them and let the pressure build up inside... until they got home.

Stress, Negative Emotions and The Brain
I've been homeschooling my kids for over six years now, and we have totally fallen in love with this way of life. For us, it means more flexibility, creativity, efficiency and autonomy. It means more fun learning and less stress. But this blog post is not about the pros and cons of homeschooling. It's about what we can do to help kids thrive in a learning environment. Many of my friends are wonderful teachers and I think it's important that we have an open and honest conversation about what we can do to help kids cope with their strong negative emotions in the classroom, as well as at home. We all intuitively know what research has proven: that stress and negative emotions are detrimental to learning.

Nobody Can Escape
BUT. Whether we want to admit it or not, most of us experience negative emotions on a daily basis, despite the fact that we highly resist the discomfort these bring. They are just a normal part of life. Kids in the classroom are not exempt from negative emotions - au contraire! Like Emma and Théo, many kids are obedient and they are eager to please their teachers or parents - but this doesn't mean they don't feel stressed out at times or are immune to experiencing strong negative emotions. In fact, the best behaved kids are probably more likely to repress and suppress their negative feelings in order to comply. All emotions that are not acknowledged, expressed or neutralised remain stuck in our bodies, so it would be extremely helpful to give students some tools, strategies and even a little physical space to help them cope with their negative emotions.

Classrooms of the Future?
Wouldn't it be life-changing to remind kids that they don't have to be ashamed, or embarrassed about the way they feel, even if they feel irritated, or angry, or scared? Wouldn't it be easier to teach a class if each student knew how to self-regulate his moods, especially when those big, scary negative emotions return? Isn't it pointless to try to force-feed information to a pupil who is emotionally overwhelmed? I know that many teachers are doing the best they can, often with overcrowded classes and tight schedules. But small, incremental changes in our attitudes towards negative emotions can start to make a big difference.

Théo's Tantrum
Wednesday this week, Théo was having a rough morning. For some reason, he was feeling very irritated -even before we sat down for school. This intense mood made it difficult for him to focus on the French lesson we were doing together. He ended up throwing his pencil across the table and yelled "I'm not doing this!" This is not typical for him. I simply said "I can see you are feeling very frustrated right now, why don't you take a little break, do something that will help you to feel better, and we'll get back to this later." I added "you know there's nothing wrong with feeling frustrated, right? It's OK if you feel this way." Théo looked a little surprised and relieved.

A Blessing In Disguise
It's in that moment that I realised how lucky I was to be able to witness the tantrums, the anger fits, and the negative self-talk when they happen. Why? Because at least our kids are comfortable enough to spontaneously express their negative thoughts and feelings -as opposed to repressing or suppressing them for fear that they might be considered disruptive, inappropriate or socially unacceptable. And rightfully so. Théo would probably never have the guts to act out like this in a classroom. Honestly, I prefer the tantrum over the repression of his feelings.

The Most Valuable Subject?
I am grateful to have the opportunity to teach kids how to honour and learn from their strong negative emotions. Science, math, French, music and social studies are all very interesting, but mindfulness may be the most important and valuable subject they ever learn.

If you'd like some mindfulness resources for kids, including how to work with strong negative emotions, please go to my website, www.lisevilleneuve.com and look for Conscious Kids or Enfants Lucides in French. I have also created a deck of free, printable mindfulness cards that is great in the classroom or at home.

Each one of us is changing the world right now.

Peace!

Lise Villeneuve
www.lisevilleneuve.com

Things I Wish I Knew: The Paradox of Pain

Things I Wish I Knew:The Paradox of Pain

I wasn’t consciously aware of it, but I have been searching my entire life for something I only recently discovered. How different things could have been had I known this earlier on! So much unnecessary suffering could have been avoided. I wasn’t even aware that I was trying to escape my pain at any cost.

Just Fitting In

Like everyone else around me, I was just doing whatever I could to avoid feeling those queasy, raw, edgy feelings of discomfort whenever they showed up. Denial, projection, repression and suppression were my strategies of choice to run away and escape from those negative feelings. I kept myself as busy and distracted as I possibly could in order to ignore or numb the underlying pain. I was fortunate enough to have a fairly normal childhood with no major trauma, yet the pain had been building up over the years, simply as a condition of living in a world that encourages and rewards disowning and projecting our negative feelings onto others.

What Problem?

Since I didn’t even know there was a problem - this denied pain I was carrying around everywhere was preventing me from experiencing true joy and inner peace - how was I to know there was a solution that could dramatically improve my quality of life? Why wasn’t I taught this simple solution in elementary school, or in University, when I got my psychology degree? Maybe it was best that I discover these things on my own, when I was ready to truly hear them. After all, I believe everything in this universe unfolds in perfect divine order. My journey into the heart of consciousness has allowed me to grow, to unlearn and to peel off many of the layers of protection I had built around myself. Now, I am happy to be able to share what I have discovered with others. And what is that?

The Exact Opposite Of What We Do

The pathway to true freedom and inner peace is so simple, yet it is counterintuitive and rather uncomfortable. We are all wired to seek pleasure and to avoid pain. Evolutionarily, this has ensured our survival. However, we are now at a stage in our evolution that allows us to soar beyond mere survival. Now more than ever before, we have the potential to thrive. We can reach levels of bliss that allow us to transcend the drama and suffering of this world. But for that, we have to stop running from our pain. There is no other way around it. We have to willingly welcome our pain and then let it go. We can learn to see pain for what it is – trapped emotions from our past – not who we are.

Breaking Free

As unpleasant and challenging as it may appear, we can all find the courage to face those uncomfortable feelings that make us squirm, hide, run, blame, judge, and sabotage ourselves. Once we become aware of the many avoidance behaviors or crutches we desperately cling to in order to push the pain away (keeping busy, alcohol, food, sex, television, isolation, projection onto others...etc), we can start to crack the walls of the prison that has been keeping our pain inside all these years. We can stop reacting to life from a place of fear and instead start to see our triggers as opportunities, or invitations to actively release the hurt we have been carrying inside for too long.

Run, Forrest, Run!

So when that queasy, edgy feeling returns, we can stay present with it instead of trying to make it go away. We can observe what’s happening inside our body and let the emotions come out instead of running from them, or demanding that people or circumstances stop poking us where it hurts. Once the negative feelings have been released and we feel ok again inside, all our energy becomes available for problem solving, for simply enjoying the moment or for actively creating the reality we choose.

Healing From The Inside Out

It takes a while to get used to it, but this process of facing and surrendering our pain can be embraced daily. At first it might feel strange and terrifying, but as you keep releasing the negative feelings and then consciously refocus attention on positive things that allow you to feel good, you will heal your life from the inside out. When we are brave enough to face our pain, we eventually become fearless. When we are fearless, all the boundaries and limits we set around ourselves crumble. Paradoxically, fully feeling and releasing our pain is the quickest way to end our individual and collective suffering.

So there you have it. Now I know... and so do you! Thanks for having taken the time to read!

With Love,

Lise

www.lisevilleneuve.com

Some People Are So Infuriating!

Warning: this is going to be a venting blog. And yes, probably the last one I write about our five kittens. Someone asked me if I would be willing to experience having kittens in our home all over again. My answer to that would be an unequivocal yes...IF it were not for one major annoyance.

What annoyance was that? Cleaning the litter? Nope. The kittens were no bother at all. Taking care of them was effortless. Believe it or not, it's the humans wanting to adopt them who have been our biggest challenge. This has been frustrating beyond words.

Don't get me wrong, as of now, all the kittens have good homes to go to. Their owners are kind, generous, trustworthy individuals. But it's taken a LOT of effort to find reliable people. I recently had to re-home two of the kittens because people either broke their commitment at the last second or they demanded to have the babies before they were promised and ready.

Today the kittens are almost ten weeks old and they are still drinking milk with their mama. Their bond is very strong and beautiful, and although mom and her kittens would probably survive being separated at this stage, it would just be wrong to pull them apart.

Right from the start, I have been very clear about when the kittens would be ready for adoption: at twelve weeks of age. Some people think all kittens are automatically weaned and ready to go at eight weeks, but it's clearly not the case with this litter.

Understandably, everyone is eager to get their kitten as soon as possible, but it's truly disappointing to see how many people put their own needs and wants before those of the animals -as though they were some kind of toy or accessory. These demanding people showed their true colours and it was a good thing, because our sweet kittens didn't end up in their claws. Meow.

As you can see, this has stirred up a lot of frustration and irritation inside me. I have come to accept that any negative emotion that surfaces does so because of an internal overload. In other words, the "bad" cat owners are not the source of my anger, they are merely the triggers of this already present anger that had been suppressed or repressed unconsciously. This trigger gave me an opportunity to become more aware of my pent-up store of anger. I guess I was like a pressure-cooker just waiting for the perfect opportunity to release steam. I feel much better now.

What's amazing is that when we constantly surrender and let go of our negative emotions as they arise, it becomes impossible for anyone or anything to "make" us angry, or sad, or frustrated, or anything. Then we are free to solve our problems with a clear mind, instead of having to deal with the emotional mess we carry inside.

If you'd like to know more about the mechanism of letting go, I highly recommend the book Letting Go, by Dr. David Hawkins.

With Love,

Lise
www.lisevilleneuve.com