Why Most Relationships Fail

I had the pleasure of attending my parent's 50th wedding anniversary last weekend. It's hard to conceive just how long that is. My husband and I have 38 more years to go before we reach 50 years together! That's just crazy. Relationships are challenging, to say the least. Just today, Rob and I got into a ridiculous argument. That hadn't happened in a while -perhaps because he's mostly been out of town lately...lol. Anyway, it was nothing serious and we've kissed and made up now, but it inspired this post about why so many relationships fail. So here goes...

Unconsciousness is at the heart of every fight, every conflict, every breakup, every war. When two people don't see eye to eye and don't treat each other with respect and compassion, it's because they are unaware of the real motivation at the root of their hurtful actions. That motivation is always the same, regardless of the person or circumstance. Anything we do, whether it's perceived by others as altruistic or evil- we ultimately do it to make ourselves feel better and to reduce our level of suffering (which is mostly unconscious). If we didn't think something would make us feel good, or better, why would we ever bother doing it? Sometimes we pick the lesser of two evils, and sometimes our choices end up hurting others as much as they hurt us, but our initial motivation is always the same.

In a conflict, the "perpetrator" is only really guilty of not realizing that he / she committed the "crime" out of pure unconsciousness -conditioned by past ways of dealing with mental, emotional or physical pain. If he or she knew any better, the crime would simply not have occurred. The hurtful action shows that there is room for growth, for more awareness within the person.

The "victim" painfully reacts to the crime that appears to have been purposely directed at him or her. Unaware of his own conditionings and unconsciousness, he now wants to retaliate, defend himself, hurt the perpetrator.Wounded, he is unable to recognize the unconsciousness in his partner that has triggered his own unconsciousness. Often, both parties equally share the roles or perpetrator and victim.

Instead of breaking the cycle of violence with compassion for each other's deep seated pain, both parties feed the growing unconsciousness with resentment, guilt, shame, anger, despair. Sometimes, children are stuck in the middle of this waking nightmare and unfortunately, they observe and learn these unconscious behaviours. It's easier (and sometimes more thrilling) to point the finger at the other person rather than to admit the truth to ourselves. The truth is that nobody is responsible for our happiness but ourselves. The truth is that we all carry wounds from our past that keep resurfacing over and over again, until we acknowledge that we have some healing to do. The reason why intimate relationships are so challenging is precisely because our partners trigger us, they push our buttons, they know where our weak spots are and it hurts like hell when they poke them. Should we isolate ourselves to avoid this pain, then? Should we look for a different partner?

Those are options, but another option is to heal our wounds once and for all, so that they won't resurface again with the next partner. What if couples started to help each other heal? What if we told each other "I'm sorry you're in pain, I am too. Should we look at what it is we're both trying to escape from? I noticed you tend to act this way when..." In other words, why not allow the relationship to be an opportunity to grow into consciousness together? Things obviously wouldn't always be perfect, but at least they would be moving in the right direction.

Very often, couples seek to "solve their problems" either by assigning blame or talking it through with a therapist (which certainly can be a great way to open the lines of communication). Still, I'm going to go ahead and say it: the real problem is our individual unconsciousness. That's right, it's not your partner's fault! The key to a harmonious relationship is found when both partners become aware that they can, and must, transcend their ego-minds. From this perspective, there can only be Love, peace, joy and deep fulfilment.

If you become fully aware of how the ego works, you'll be able to stop feeding the drama and the conflicts by holding a space of presence, compassion and forgiveness for your partner. You'll understand where she's coming from. You'll know what truly motivates him, and you'll either have the patience and desire to help him consciously understand his own destructive behaviours, or you will be able to calmly decide that you are simply incompatible and walk away without all the heartache. But before you do this, ask yourself if you are completely aware of your own wounds and triggers, because it's only a matter of time until the next person who comes along in your life will reawaken your dragon!

Romantic love is a short-lived illusion born from a false world of duality. If the ego is no longer flattered and feels threatened, love quickly turns to hate, doesn't it? For as long as our identity is derived from our needy ego, a true, loving, peaceful relationship is not possible -no matter how much counselling we get! We each have to start working on ourselves before we blame our partners. How can we possibly experience a satisfying, lasting relationship with someone unless we fully understand who we really are first?

We are not that jealous, selfish, unlovable, unfaithful, angry, controlling little me. We sometimes display these behaviours because deep down, we are afraid, we are in pain, we are confused and conditioned by our ego. Breaking free from this illusion is only possible once we allow ourselves to become conscious of our true divine nature. Isn't it time to let go of what's no longer serving us? Haven't we suffered enough?

Lovingly,

Lise
www.lisevilleneuve.com

There Is Only One Kind Of Love

I just got home after a wonderful 2 weeks away. I spent my first week in Cuba with some dear friends, and this is the view I enjoyed each morning from my room. I still feel completely elated right now, it's difficult to describe. Have you ever felt so completely filled with love that the people around you probably wanted to punch you? Sorry, but that's how I feel! My heart is overflowing with compassion, gratitude, peace and joy. I feel this deep empathy towards every living creature right now. Am I on drugs? Only coffee!

So what the hell happened to me? How long will this ecstasy last? How do I bottle this feeling and sell it on ebay? Lol! One way I can explain this euphoria is that I took really great care of my body-mind-spirit over the past few weeks, and I was completely open to growing in awareness. I ate lots of raw fruits and veggies, got some sun, did plenty of snorkelling, had great conversations, danced under the stars and laughed lots. When we do the things we love and take care of ourselves, this actually raises our energetic frequency. The higher our frequency is, the more we attract positive circumstances in our lives. A higher frequency also allows us to have a clearer connection with our higher-self, thus we are more intuitive and receptive to our spiritual guidance. When we feel good and in balance, it's easier to open up our hearts and allow the divine love to naturally flow in. I feel like I got flooded by this spiritual elixir and I'm still a little drunk from it! It makes me want to share the love!

Since you have read this far already, I will share something else with you, because there is more to this story. Let me back up a little. For awhile now, I've been very clear on my purpose: to help raise the level of awareness / consciousness on this planet. I often ask "how can I serve? who can I help?" I know without the shadow of a doubt that no meetings are accidental. People are brought together when they offer each other the maximal opportunity for mutual growth and expansion. Sometimes that translates into a smooth, harmonious relationship between two people, but often times it results in a difficult and challenging one. Let's face it, we learn much more when we are called to question the status quo and face the darker, more insecure parts of ourselves, right?

So yes, I was put "on assignment" during this trip. I met someone who, within an hour of meeting, showed me the book he had committed himself to reading on vacation. It was about manifesting an ideal life! I told him the book must be working because he already manifested meeting me -someone who teaches awareness and manifestation for a living! Lol. I was standing in line behind him at the hotel reception -a hotel I booked only because my friends from Ottawa were already staying there. He explained to me how he booked a spontaneous, last-minute trip there and had somehow arrived via Bogota, Columbia and France! I suspect if we had tried to arrange such a meeting, it would have been nearly impossible! Yet here we were, unsuspectingly serendipitous.

As the week went on, our little group of four got to share many great moments together. I was honoured to be able to help my new friend see things from a different, more empowered perspective. In retrospect, I now see how he gave me the exact same gift. He allowed me to viscerally understand a concept I had only grasped with my intellect up till now. I hesitate to write about this, because I know many people will automatically make a judgement before they try to sincerely comprehend what I'm about to explain. This will resonate and make sense to those who are able to see beyond the limited scope of the ego. So here goes.

As you may have guessed by the title of this post, there truly is only one kind of Love. The ego tells us otherwise, because it views everything and everyone as separate and isolated, but romantic love as we know it has more to do with attachment and self-gratification. True Love is not jealous, possessive, demanding, needy and insecure like the ego is. We are hard-wired for Love, and it's not an exclusive currency we are only allowed to give to a few select people in our lives. Whether we give it to our children, our parents, our friends, our partners or even strangers, it's all the same essence! It's what we are made of. Love naturally flows through us when we allow it and it's ok to have the courage to freely give it to others without expecting anything in return. Babies are experts at this! They don't hold back their smiles, their radiance, their joy from strangers. They offer their Love unconditionally to everyone in the same way. As they grow up, they learn to only love those who will love them back, to be cautious, to protect their hearts, to demand certain things from the "one" they have chosen to love conditionally. The heart wasn't designed to restrict the flow of Love this way. It's understandable that we get a little confused when physical attraction gets thrown into the mix, because our ego quickly takes over in that department. It sees, it wants, it says "mine, mine, mine"! :)

I was perplexed about my feelings at first and I felt a combination of guilt and resistance towards this strong current of Love that was flowing in and out of me, but then I realized that it was beautiful, sincere, and that it didn't take anything away from my relationship with my husband. On the contrary, I feel even more Love towards Rob because my tank is so full right now! Obviously, allowing the Love to flow towards others and expressing it physically are two very different animals, especially within the context of a marriage! I think it's healthy for couples to honestly ask themselves if their relationship is mostly ego-driven (restrictive), or built on Love (expansive). It certainly raises a lot of questions, and I had the pleasure of having this discussion with Rob. I was pleasantly surprised by his openness and understanding. We have grown closer in the process.

The bottom line is that when we feel loved by others, it allows us to do something that is normally extremely difficult to do: love ourselves. That feeling of being "in love" is nothing but a reflection of the love we already carry deep in our hearts. We may think it comes from the other person, but the loved one simply allows us to express what's already there within us. That Love is everywhere, it's the fabric of this unified Universe. I am so grateful for this profound lesson I have experienced. I now know that it's entirely possible to feel like we are madly in love with life every single day! It's a conscious choice! How empowering is that!?

Love,

Lise
Health Coach and Reiki Master
www.lisevilleneuve.com

Dummy's Guide To Conscious Relationships

This post is a continuation of my previous one entitled "Is Your Relationship Dysfunctional Like Mine?" You can read it here: http://lisevilleneuve.blogspot.ca/2015/03/is-your-relationship-dysfunctional-like.html

I showed my husband Rob the title of my previous post and it didn't take him too long to read it! Lol. I was pleasantly surprised by his feedback. He thought that supporting each other in order to become more conscious was a good idea. Great! Now, we just need to figure out how the heck we will do that! Here is my Dummy's Guide to Conscious Relationships...

Why Would We Want To Become More Conscious Anyway?
Basically, we all have two choices. Either we keep living our lives the same way we always have -unconsciously attached to our egos- and therefore we keep perpetuating our cycles of pleasure and pain, positivity and negativity, attachment and detachment, happiness and unhappiness, or we rise above these polarities and considerably reduce our level of suffering once and for all. Option two is only possible through awareness. Without consciousness, all relationships between people are essentially dysfunctional, because they are built upon the superficial and unstable structure of the ego. If we want to experience authentic, harmonious, drama-free relationships, then the key is to grow in awareness. This will allow us to experience compassion, true love, joy and lasting peace. Sound good to you?

What Causes Our Suffering?
We suffer when we resist what is. When we expect things, situations and people to be different from what they are, our inner-resistance causes us great pain. This emotional pain is experienced as anxiety, anger, resentment, jealousy, depression, even illness. The root of our pain is that we derive our sense of self -our identity- from our thoughts, our beliefs, our emotions, our opinions. our physical body, our wounds from the past, our personal "story". Meet the ego! The ego is not our true essence, as spiritual beings, it only keeps us trapped in a very limited perspective. It makes us defensive, reactive and fearful, because we think that we're isolated and separate in our physical bodies, but this is just an illusion.

We're Experts At Fixing the Symptoms of Our Pain, Not The Cause
Instead of learning to accept whatever happens in the present moment (and dealing with it without necessarily having to experience strong negative emotions), we put all our energy towards fixing the symptoms of our unhappiness instead of the deeper cause, which is always an identification with our ego. For example, here are some of the things we do to avoid our own pain: eat, drink, do drugs, become workaholics, become emotionally unavailable, avoid relationships, blame everyone but ourselves, get stuck in cycles of anger, depression or illness, find distractions such as exercise, sports, travelling, television, the internet...etc. It's not that these things are all inherently bad, what's harmful is that we use them to escape feeling and releasing our pain. But what if we went straight to the root of this pain and looked it in the eye? What would happen? The light of our consciousness would start to replace the darkness.

How The Heck Do We Become More Conscious, Then?
It's not an easy task to undo our individual and collective conditioning! We can't expect to just break free from the ego overnight. Changing habits takes time, patience and self-compassion. I've been working towards this for over 10 years now! I go through periods of "waking up from the dream" and falling asleep all over again. We don't need anyone's permission or participation to work on our own awareness, however, if you are able to share this experience with someone willing to support you, it may accelerate the process for both of you.

Becoming the Witness
Essentially, the way to grow in awareness is to become the observer (or the neutral witness) of whatever is going on inside or outside of you. When you notice a strong emotion inside of you, such as fear, simply allow it to be by observing it. When you start to feed the fear with thoughts that increase its intensity, notice the thoughts without judging or resisting them. When you have a strong opinion about something, notice it without trying to change it. What you'll be doing is learning to recognize the power your ego has over you. This road will inevitably lead you to freedom from suffering.

Ganging Up On The Ego With Sign Language
Rob, since sign language is already an important part of our lives, (Rob's parents are deaf) I suggest we use a physical gesture in our family that will remind us to come back to our essence in the present moment. That gesture is the one Emma is doing in the picture above -the hand on the heart. With a simple deep breath, followed by a hand on our heart, we will be communicating to each other "I am present to myself right now, I am present for you, I will do my best to allow you to express what you are feeling without reacting, without being judgemental or defensive." Maybe I'll be the one to place my hand on my heart initially, only to fall back into ego mode a few minutes later. Maybe then, you will reawaken and pull me out of unconsciousness once again! Maybe we both will be arguing, completely under the ego's spell, and one of the kids will walk into the room, put their hand over their heart and make some magic happen! Maybe the kids will enjoy using this gesture with each other! It should be interesting to see how things turn out. What do you think, Rob? Would you like to give it a try?

Warmly,

Lise
Health Coach and Reiki Master
www.lisevilleneuve.com